I want to share more with you about how I got to this place of admitting my struggles, admitting that I needed help, admitting that I need more of God. Like mentioned in my previous post “Admitting the Uncomfortable”, it feels like God has been peeling back the layers on my mask slowly but surely. Today I would like to talk about the people, words and opportunities he used to make this happen.
Again, as mentioned in my previous post, this has been happening over a few months, so many different situations played a part in this. The one that probably has had the biggest effect on my faith and subsequent search for more, was the start of Ladies Bible Study at church in September. Our lovely Pastors wife, picked a book named “True Woman: 201”.
First, let me maybe share with you, where I was at in my faith journey. My faith, bible study and prayer life, basically only existed on the outside. When someone asked me to pray for them or when I felt compelled I needed to pray or quote scripture or give some sort of advice to stay face, that’s when my faith would come out. But personally? There wasn’t much going on at all. Before these 2 months started, I don’t even remember the last time I just picked up my Bible to read it when it wasn’t for something like Ladies Bible Study. Prayers were more like quick cries for help in a situations of need, nothing of real value or conversation with God.
That is changing now. It’s not there yet and not where I want and need it to be but it’s changing. God started this work in and for me by introducing me to “True Woman: 201”. The book is a 10 week study that we as the Ladies Bible Study will go through over the course of the whole school year. You would think that a topic that can be discussed for so long, would probably involve a long passage in the bible or multiple ones. Not for this one. This is based on only a few verses out of Titus 2.
“But as for you, teach what accords to sound doctrine. Older women likewise are to be reverent in behaviour, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”
Titus 2: 1, 3-5
As we started working through the first couple pages of the book, I became more and more intrigued about the two authors. One of those reasons may have been because one of them is from here, from Edmonton. I had been trying for a couple of weeks, to find a podcast that I could listen to as well. Now that I went back to work, I have a commute again that sometimes is up to 30-40 minutes, based on the time of day and traffic. Somehow I was sick and tired to just listen to the radio and was looking for something faith based. I put in the name of one of the authors and ended up finding a conference that she had spoken at and that had been made into podcasts.
I thoroughly enjoyed them and often times would send a snippet here or there to Jeff. This in return then let to some interesting conversations at night when we both made it back home. Something about these podcasts resonated with me. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it until finally one day it clicked. It was Grace! God’s pure, loving, sacrificing Grace. Every sermon or speech at that conference had Grace in it in one way or another. It made me think about what Grace means to me and this is the definition I came up with for myself:
“Grace is God’s gift to me, that he saw me at my lowest, weakest, unworthiest point, and he still loved me! Not only loved me, but DIED for me! Died for me to give me a new life as a forgiven Child of God.”
I was worth that much to Him. If I believe that to be true, my life and the way I treat others needs to reflect this. Not just when I feel like it or only to the people I want this to graceful to, but all the time, to everyone. If I live by this standard, when people look at me and my life, they should without question see the Grace of God, His love, shining through me. That is definitely not where I was or am at all, yet.
I felt God convict me in some ways. This is all still before my breakdown. When that then happened, I was met by so much love. Love from Jeff and also him pouring God’s love out to me, that I realized, I need God’s grace, now more than ever. I haven’t really been taking advantage of His love and His grace to get me through these hard times. I have just put on a face. I have put on a smile. To everyone around me (and in many ways even to myself) it may have looked like I was doing just fine, even in my writing. Maybe even that I was continuously strong dealing with my cancer journey. But I wasn’t. I am still not. I am broken. God had to show me just how broken and maybe even had to break me, to show me my desperate need for Him.
Fuelled by the conference I listed to, I googled both names of the authors of “True Woman” again and found Revive our Hearts. It is a Christian organization described as a life action ministry and is run by a lovely woman called Nancy DeMoss Wohlgemuth. On the website I found, that they actually were about to host their yearly “True Woman” conference and would be offering a live stream of it throughout. I set an alarm on my phone to remind me and all but forgot about it. This was some time before my breakdown and honestly I had even forgotten about it at that point.
God’s ways are perfect. So perfect that my breakdown happened late one night. Jeff and I spent the next day talking about more things, such as how I have changed and what symptoms of depression I might have been and still am showing. The very next day after that, my first day back alone at home post admitting that I am probably dealing with some sort of depression, God blessed me by me having put that reminder on my phone. ‘Revive ’17’ was starting and I decided to watch as much as possible. Through the next days and week, I slowly made my way through every single topic covered at this conference, sometimes even watching the same talk multiple times.
God has opened my eyes. He has opened my heart. He has broken down the walls that hindered me to come to Him. That have hindered me to see who he really wants me to be. He has done all this, just so he can built me back up, by using these women at the conference to show the way to becoming a Titus 2 woman. A woman after Gods heart and his standards. A woman that realizes that I can not do this on my own. First of all, I need Jesus. Secondly, I need other people, other women in my life. I need spiritual mothers (someone who mentors me). I need spiritual daughters (someone I can pour Gods wisdom and words into). And I need spiritual sisters (someone to walk this crazy life with me and encourage me, who I can encourage in return).
Nancy spoke about ‘Crying our from a heart of Brokenness’ at the previous conference and I have been fortunate enough to find it on a podcast. Something she said on there stuck with me and is something that I need to work on a lot to make this living with others in spiritual family even possible. She said ‘we need to think of our lives as a house. We need to live our lives with the roof off and the walls down.” What she means by that is; ‘roof off’, nothing between God and me. I am exposing myself to Him with all my faults and struggles. I think in some ways that is the easier part. The hard part comes when I live with the walls down. Meaning to expose myself and share my struggles with the people around me. My spiritual mothers and sister, and in wise measured ways my spiritual daughters to encourage through my trials and rejoicing in my triumphs.
This is were it becomes uncomfortable. Being completely vulnerable is not easy. Its not pleasant. But I have found such Beauty in being Broken. Broken doesn’t have to be in a negative way or shattered to the core where you can’t even make it out of bed any more, although that can go hand in hand. The Brokenness I am talking about is breaking away of that mask I have put on and showing my not so pretty sides of myself. Showing the broken pieces of me that I need help fixing. Finding Beauty in all of that, comes from the way God and my spiritual family meets me. Beauty in Brokenness means being embraced by God’s grace and love, and knowing that it will be enough. Beauty in Brokenness means understanding how much I need God and how much he is willing and wants me to rely on Him. Beauty in Brokenness means growing closer to the only One who can make me whole again.
As I am writing this, I am praying that you will see that me admitting that I am struggling with depression, was the best thing that I could have done for myself. It opened me up to receive the tremendous blessings God was holding ready for me. I pray that you would allow yourself to be vulnerable to God’s calling to open yourself up to Him and maybe even to a person around you. I pray that this will me a reminder to you that it is ok to feel broken, because there will always be someone who will help you find your way to wholeness.
