It is May 31, 2017. It has been a year since I was sitting in Dr. S.’s office getting the news that I in fact have cancer and that it is Medullary Thyroid Cancer. It’s hard to believe that it truly has been a full year already. So much has happened through this year, many ups and many downs. Some ‘break down in sobs’s, some ‘how is this happening to me’ s, some ‘I can’t believe how well I’m doing’s and some ‘I almost forgot I have cancer’. I think to say that we have been on an emotional roller coaster may be an understatement. Jeff and I have had really high highs and really low lows, but through all of it we have had amazing support from our family, friends and most importantly from God!!
Many patients who get diagnosed with cancer don’t ever make it to their ‘Cancerversary’. Many of those patients don’t ever get back to a somewhat normal life after the diagnosis. We have seen it first hand this past year, with a dear friend. When I was first diagnosed, she was one of my biggest prayer warriors. When I felt self conscious about the massive scar I would now have to wear, she encouraged me to see it as a battle scar to be proud of. When she was diagnosed with cancer herself, she never failed to remind me that we are in this fight together and she was still praying for me. She passed away after not even 5 months of fighting against this ugly disease. I don’t know why I get to fight longer and why she only got such a short time, but I know that she has taught me so much in those months. She has taught me to never lose my faith, to never stop praying, not just for yourself but especially for others. She was asking visitors if there was anything she could pray for them when they came to visit her in the hospital. She taught me to never stop living life to the fullest of your abilities. She has taught me to never give up on God, no matter how dark or unfair the situation may seem. For that I want to say
Thank you, Doris!
We were actually just saying last night, that I am happy to have the cancer that I have. I was watching a video about a girl who was diagnosed with a type of Leukaemia when she was 6 years old, underwent treatment, relapsed when she was 9, did treatment again and relapsed 10 years later. The more I thought about it, it became clearer to me that it would be soooo much harder for me and my loved ones if I was ever to be in Remission and then get the phone call telling me “Your cancer is back”. With MTC I will never be in Remission because this cancer will always be somewhere in my body, even if we don’t see it on a scan or know exactly where it is, its always going to lurking in the shadows somewhere. That also means though, that doctors will follow me very, very closely and will pick up on changes way faster, which will allow for faster and more targeted treatment. I guess what I am trying to say is, that I would rather have a cancer that will be monitored constantly than have a cancer that is treated and then comes back when I have just got my life back in order. Having to go through the same emotions, shock and possibly crazy treatments I have had to go through over the last year, I don’t know if I could handle that again, after thinking I had my life back.
The last year has taught me so much about myself, my husband, my family, my friends, my surroundings, my God.
Myself
I have learned to trust myself about what my body is telling me. After having symptoms for such a long time and knowing that there is something not right with my body and no doctors believing me, I have learned that I need to take charge and drive my own medical bus. Working in the health care system, I never thought that navigating said system could be so difficult, especially as an adult. In Pediatrics, there are often multiple teams involved, with one team taking charge and leading the whole case. Well it seems that is not really the case in the adult world. The patient becomes the person who needs to take charge. I find that especially with rare diseases such as mine, I as the patient have to know as much as possible about my disease, so that I can educate my medical team and ask the right questions. I have to be willing and knowledgeable enough to ask for second opinions when I feel like the first one or even the second or third one, don’t line up with all the research I have done already. Which is one of the reasons, I have pushed so hard to go see Dr. K. in Toronto. Oh, how glad I am that I did! More on that in a little bit.
I have learned about myself that I am stronger than I have given myself credit for and that I can, with lots of help and prayer, take on anything this cancer might throw at me. I have learned that even on the days that I am feeling like and emotional wreck and unable to control any of my feelings, to be open and honest with the people around me. I have learned that some days I just need to give a warning, that today might be a bitchy kinda day for me, and I don’t mean anything in a negative way, even if it comes across that way. I have learned to apologize more quickly, even after it has been a little while, when I realize something may have offended somehow or was misinterpreted. I have learned that being vulnerable can be a blessing, that it can bring healing not just to me, but to people around me. I am so grateful, that I have been able to learn all of these lessons.
My Husband
Oh, where to begin? You know when people go to weddings and they tell the couple they will love each other more as the years go on? Well let me tell you, nothing lets you fall more in love with your spouse than having to go through a trial such as the one we are going through. Jeff has been the most amazing support I could have ever asked for. I can truly be myself and be open with him. He is there for me when I have my meltdowns (which are happening far less). He is there to hold me. He is there to tell me that its going to be all right. He is there to remind me that God has a plan for our life and that he won’t give us more than we can handle. Jeff can tell me when I am like I said ‘bitchy’ and point out to me when I might come across that way. He is able to just tell me he loves me and that I am beautiful to him, when I feel at my lowest and not very pretty at all. Through all of this he has been my rock!
Babe, I know I apologize to you periodically about putting you through so much, this is definitely not how we had imagined our 5th year of marriage, but I have to say, I wouldn’t change a thing. Having this happen to us, has brought us so much closer together. It has allowed me to understand you so much better and be able to express myself and tell you my deepest, darkest secrets. It has allowed me to learn to love you more deeply. I just hope that I can be a support to you, even a smidgen as much as you have been to me.
I love you so much!!
My family, friends and surroundings
The support has been just incredible, as I have mentioned a few times before. Same with the love and the prayers that I have been poured out on us and me in particular. I have learned so much about what it means to be part of a family, a church family, part of an amazing group of friends. I have met so many new people in my walk with cancer, be it through the many doctors visits, my naturopathic treatments, this blog, my Epicure business. I don’t know how many people really read this blog, but I am hoping that maybe one day somehow newly diagnosed with MTC will find this page and find some comfort in the fact that life can be ‘normal’, a new normal when you have an amazing system around you that can support you every step of the way, regardless of how rocky it might get.
I have learned that family will always be there for you and stand behind you, even if they are going through trials themselves. I could not have done all of this without you all giving me the love you have, without the passes you gave me on when my tone or the words I said might have hurt you. I am so, so sorry about that and so, so happy to have you in my life.
Mama und Papa, ich moechte mich ganz herzlich auf diesem Weg bei euch bedanken, fuer die vielen Dinge, die ihr fuer mich in diesem letzten Jahr getan habt. Die unzaehligen Gebete, die Fahrten zu den Doktoren, fuer den haeufigen Hausputz und das gute Essen. Fuer alles moechte ich mich bedanken. Aber am meisten fuer eure aufopfernde Liebe.
Mom and Dad: Thank you so much for everything that you have also done for us. From helping us spread our prayer request through the churches, to connecting us with Pastor Kehler and the other brothers to pray over me, to the constant prayers you sent up on our behalf. Thank you for the meals and help around the house, the ‘too many things to count’ that you do for us… Thank you. May God bless you.
Melissa and Ines: Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for worrying about me. Thank you for the prayers and all the thing you are and have being doing for me. Thank you for your love to me and Jeff. Thank you for not treating me differently.
My Siblings in law: Thank you for your support, your prayers, your encouragements. Thank you for being a part of my family. Thank you for your love.
Annika: Thank you for your friendship, your visits, your support, your prayers and constant love.
There are so many people I want to thank, but to thank you all here, this post would be pages and pages long. But really Thank YOU and…
I love you all!!
My God
Besides the obvious struggle with trusting in God and his impeccable timing, I have learned so much about why this exact struggle is something I needed to go through to learn more about it. I was able to study the Bible more in depth about certain topics in my Ladies Bible Study. I have never been able to be a part of the study, due to the fact that I was usually working on Tuesday mornings. Now that I am not working, I was able to make it to almost every session and learn so much. I have said it before, God may choose to heal me, but He also may not, that is all up to Him. But if he doesn’t I know I will continue to learn things from and through Him, that I wouldn’t have learned otherwise.
It has been one crazy year. Would I have chosen this path for myself? I don’t think so. Would I know change it, knowing what I know? Absolutely not. Don’t get me wrong, Cancer sucks, but cancer can also be beautiful when it changes lives, for the better. That is what it has done for me. My body has changed for the better in the sense that I don’t have that many symptoms anymore, my being has changed for the better due to the things I have learned, and my spirit has changed for the better, thanks to the lessons I was able to learn from God and the people surrounding me.
Here is to one year completed living with cancer, and hopefully, God willing, to many, many more years to come.
