A few weeks ago, Jeff and I were privileged to announce that we have a bundle of joy on the way. Today I am sharing my first ‘bump pic’, on my 4th cancerversary .
4 years ago today, we sat at the doctors office getting news that changed our life. It seemed at that point, that having kids, was a concept that went out the window. Something that would never happen for us. Ever.
Fast forward 4 years to today and here we are, absolutely thrilled and awaiting out little rainbow baby.
Our miscarriage was like another blow to the possibility of having children. It seemed like every time we think that things are finally turning around for us, we get hit with another blow.
When we found out I am pregnant this time around, I was so happy. It was shortly before Valentine’s Day. At first I was going to wait until Valentine’s Day before telling Jeff, but after just over 36 hours of knowing, I couldn’t wait any longer to tell him.
So after a 12 hour shift at work, I got home, took another pregnancy test, just to be sure, and then gave Jeff his early Valentine’s Day present with a little note tugged inside. We like to play some video games together so the note was this picture, printed out.
My heart was pounding so hard. But his reaction was so sweet. Over the next few days I would often turn to him and just blurt out: “Babe, I am pregnant!”
We had our trip to Mexico booked, which we had booked months ago shortly after our miscarriage. At that time we had talked about it, if we wanted to go, if it was worth taken the risk to go. Also at that time, we came to the conclusion, we needed something like this vacation. As I have said in my post about my decade in review , 2019 was a hard year, that just felt like blow after blow. So we decided to book the vacation.
When we found out, I was a little concerned about going. For the next week, I believe, I was going back and forth between “We shouldn’t go” and “But we really need this vacation, and its already paid for…”
In the end we decided to tell my family quite early, so they could help us make a decision. As you may remember from some of my pictures, we decided to go. The first 4.5 days were amazing. The sun, the warmth, the relaxtion…
…then I started to bleed. By the time I had made it to our room from the beach, I was convinced I was losing our precious little one, yet again. I think Jeff found me curled up on the floor of the bathroom, sobbing and crying out to God “No, No, No, please No”, “Please don’t take my baby”, “Please not again”.
Within 4 hours, all of a sudden the bleeding stopped. Someone stopped at the resort doctors office and asked about what our options were. Since the only real option was to go to a Mexican hospital to get checked out, and if I was truly miscarrying, there was nothing anyone could do anyway. So we decided we would not go and wait to get home a few days later.
Melissa was at home and I had an ultrasound booked for the end of the next week, so she moved it to the first day we were back.
Coming home, I called again and got an appointment for early in the morning. When we got to the ultrasound clinic, I was in tears. I insisted to have Jeff with me in the room. The tech was very nice. Especially after we explained the situation to her a little bit. Within the first couple minutes, as my tears were running down my face, she turned to us and told us the sweetest words I have heard in the longest time “Heartbeat 122”.
At that point I broke down. Even just writing this I get teary-eyed. Somehow our miracle, was miraculously alive, growing and on track. The video I took of the strong heart beat, quickly became my favourite video to watch. I don’t even know how many times I watched it.
About a week later, I began bleeding again. Although it is very anxiety inducing anytime it happens, I was able to stay calmer this time around. On the first ultrasound, they were able to find something called a subchorionic hematoma. Basically a fancy word for a collection of blood between the baby and the uterus.
In many cases, this leads to a miscarriage. For others, it leads to multiple bleeds, until it finally is reabsorbed by the body. For some, it leads to the multiple bleeds, but can stick around for the remainder of the pregnancy.
As of right now, I fall into the 3rd category. Although I am so grateful and can’t thank God enough for his protection over our baby so far, this preganacy is been far from easy. At least mentally speaking.
Luckily, I have had very few pregnancy symptoms, thank God. Hardly any nausea to speak of, the occasional twitches here and there and my most annoying and probably most constant companion… heartburn. All in all, this is to say, that physically this pregnancy has been a breeze. If it weren’t for the bleeds. Mentally it has been a marathon. At least that is how I am feeling.
Before we went to Mexico, both my mom and myself, had what I guess you could call divine reassurance about our baby. Which I have been clinging to, however that is sometimes easier said than done.
We both had moments that almost sounded like God speaking directly to us. For me it was the question: “Would I really be so cruel to give you this baby just to take it away?” This came after I had specifically prayed to not get pregnant before Mexico, if the trip would have negative consequences. My moms was “I will protect this baby” and then again little later “I told you, I got this baby”
At 15 weeks, I had another bleed, this one probably the biggest one that I have had yet. I ended up in the hospital to get checked out, with blood work and another ultrasound.
Now we found a few more reasons why I could possibly be bleeding. First the subchorinic hematoma is still there, most likley still actibely bleeding. Plus my placenta is in the front and quite low, at least on the ultrasound done in the hospital which could be another reason.
I have not worked since the day before we left for Mexico, which was February 22, 2020. In many ways I feel guilty for not working, especially since we are dealing with a global pandemic. On the other hand I am grateful I don’t have to work for so many reasons. The first being that I know that I am on bed rest to protect my baby. At the end of this I will have the best possibly reward for sitting on my butt. A healthy baby, God willing. On the other hand, so little is known about how Covid – 19 effects pregnancy and an unborn child. Which makes me happy that I don’t have to be at the front line to figure this out.
As it looks right now, this bleeding issue may stick around for the entirety of my pregnancy. Which is scary to say the least. But we trust that God has a plan for this baby. We have already seen so many amazing ways of protections, that i can’t ignore that.
This week we found out baby’s gender. It is a …….
Stay tuned for that little announcement. I’d love to hear your guesses though. Maybe throw in a name suggestion of two. 🙂 We are planning to host a social distancing kind of gender reveal in about 3 weeks time and I am hoping to be able to have a board of guesses with name suggestions.
That ended up being a longer post than anticipated. But this is a very special cancerversary for me. Its the first time that I actually almost forgot about this date. Cancer is still there and is still a factor in our life, however it definetly has taken the back burner.
I am also excited to announce, that my cancer markers (in my blood work) have been better on my last test, than they have been since December 2018. We don’t know what exactly that means, since I can’t have any scans right now due to being pregnant. Once baby is born though we will take a look and see what pregnancy, the different hormones and maybe a boost in my immune system have done for my cancer prognosis.
As for now, I am considered somewhat of a high risk pregnancy. This baby definitely is a fighter. It has already endured so much. A trip to Mexico, a total of 4 bleeds, 2 conscious sedation (for my stricture in my esophagus, since it was becoming difficult to eat and that is big part of actually growing this little human) and a chronic cancer.
We defintely have a fighter on our hands. We are beyond ecstatic. We have started on the nursery this week. Still along way to go, but things are starting to become real.
Oh yea, I should also tell you about the best Mother’s Day gift I got this year… the first little kicks.
I’ve been struggling to figure out how much of this part of our journey to share, when and how. Today seemed to be an appropriate day to share some of the pain but also the tremendous joy we have experienced over the last 20ish weeks.
