This one has been on my heart for over 2 months. I have been struggling with how to say this, if to talk about this in the first place, how much to share. Its been a somewhat turmoil like couple of months, not on a health platform, but on a mental and emotional platform. So many thoughts going through my mind, so many things to work out in my head, so many things to admit to myself and to others. So many things to learn, so many things to realize and change in my life. In short, an inner battle needing to be fought.
How did this even start? Well at the beginning of August, I got a phone call from my family doctors office to make an appointment to have me come in to talk to the doctor. Assuming that it was about the blood work I had done the previous week, I didn’t think very much about it. The day of the appointment, I made my way over there. Once in the office, it was a very different meeting than I had expected. He started off with his regular: ‘How are you doing? How have you been?’ and then came the real reason he called me in. “So, I usually call my patients who have gone through something like a cancer diagnosis to talk about how they are doing emotionally. There is this condition we call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Often times when we are struggling with something in that regard, we don’t notice it ourselves, but people around us will notice that there are changes in how we act and maybe talk and react to the people closest to us. There is always a chance that a situation like the one you went through, can trigger something like that to happen, even long after the situation is resolved. How are you feeling about that?”
Boom! To say that I was surprised and that this hit me from way left field, may be an understatement. Where was this coming from? Who had said something to him, that he felt he needed to have this conversation with me? What had I done or said that prompted this? Wasn’t I the poster child of how to make it through something like a cancer diagnosis, relatively unscathed from an emotional perspective? Sure, I had my struggles about what to do in the future, and the anxieties before each new scan, and subsequent doctors appointment. But the anxiety train is normal when facing a chronic illness, that will probably be what will kill me (in many, many, many years I pray). Right? But PTSD? Really? I laughed it off, but at the same time… something he said kinda stuck out to me. “often times when people deal with PTSD it will manifest in different ways. For example, for some it might be that thing irritate them more than usual or before.”. Well that was definitely true for me. That was however because my hormone changes, wasn’t it? I became increasingly more and more uncomfortable in my chair. He was expecting me to say something and I didn’t just want to blow him off. There had been a situation that has been particularly annoying and bothersome to me, so I decided to share it with him. I had been thinking about this situation for a while and had already decided that I wanted to talk to my mom about it, but hadn’t found the right time or the guts to bring it up.
There had been a few situation over the last few months, which made me slightly upset with my mom, but I never told her that it was bothering me. There had been at least two instances, in which she introduced me to other people as “her daughter, who has cancer”. I was very taken aback by it, and at some points even mad at her for doing so. I know she meant it well and wasn’t trying to upset me, but to put a face to the prayer requests that were going through churches. Anyway, this was something that I hadn’t talked to her about and was really starting to bother me.
I shared this frustration with Dr. T. and promised him I would talk to her. And talking to her I would for sure. At this point, I was pretty sure that she must have said something to the doctor, for him to call me in to talk about this. It took me a couple of days before I made my way over there to confront her with my suspicion that she had said something. It turned out to be a very good and important conversation for both of us.
I opened up to her how everything irritates or annoys me so much faster. I understand that some of the things are somewhat ridiculous to get upset over, especially to the extent that I would get upset. In some ways it was even irrational. But there was nothing I could do about it. Some of you who may know some things about mental illness or struggles, will have red flags going up right now. Well, for me they weren’t, and for Jeff they weren’t. Apparently for my mom they were though, she did say in our conversation that she may have mentioned to Dr. T. that I was often irritated and not as happy as she remembered me. I did not see it that way at all. I was always smiling at people, as far as I could remember. Both of these discussions triggered me to think more about my emotional state than I maybe would admit.
A little while later we were invited to some friends house to celebrate their new home. Jeff and I ended up staying later than others and we had some great discussions, about faith and struggles. I was having a hard time at some points during the night. I noticed, that I would have rather gone home and spend the remainder of the night on the couch instead of the company of my friends. THAT raised a small red flag for me. On the way home, I asked Jeff: “Do you think I have PTSD? Or something similar along the lines?”. I cried most of the way home. I couldn’t make sense of my feelings and questions would not just end there.
Throughout the last couple of months, that question “Am I depressed?” or “Why am I struggling emotionally so much?”, continued to haunt me. I felt alone in crowded rooms. All I wanted to do was be at home on the couch just watching TV and not having to think about stuff. At the same though, I started making myself busier and busier. Between going back to work, launching a new season with Epicure and going to Victoria for our conference, doing household chores, family commitments and having house guests, I barely had any time to think about most of these questions. Until late at night, or when driving alone in my car. That’s when my thoughts are running faster than 100 miles per hour. I think about the things I didn’t get done that day, the things that I have to get done the next day, how I am not being a good wife to Jeff, how my relationship with my family is not what I would like it to be, how my relationship with God is nowhere near as close as I need it to be. That’s when I spend hours and hours on my phone, scrolling through Facebook, finding the next mindless game to play. I spent hours like this, until my mind was so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open. That is when I would finally put my phone down and go to sleep.
Going to bed so late, usually somewhere between midnight and 2 am, let me to sleep quite long in the morning. Once I did wake up it would take me another hour to get out of bed. What would I do? Exactly, be on my phone again. Until I finally peeled myself out of bed to make it to the shower. Day after day the same thing. Getting up late then meant I had less hours in the day to get my often long to do list done, which then in turn made the falling asleep process even more difficult because I couldn’t get the things I missed to do out of my head at night. Kinda a vicious cycle, wouldn’t you say?
But still, everything was good with me. I was doing great. I am doing great. Any questions or suggestions to point otherwise I would just attribute to being tired, or having had a bad day pain wise. Or any other excuse that I could come up with that was somewhat reasonable. I think one that I used the most often with Jeff was, I think I am just PMSing or something along those lines.
I feel like I have kept everyone very much at arms length over the last 6 months to a year. God has been working on me to bring this forth for those 2 months. In some regards I am ashamed that it took me so long, but on the other hand, I wouldn’t have been ready to admit anything until now. So here goes… I am depressed.
What does that mean? Depression means so many different things to so many different people. Maybe I am a ‘high-functioning’ depressed person, if such a thing even exists. I need help. I am going to get help, already have an appointment set up. But I also need the people in my life to know. I needed to admit it to myself the most. Saying the words for the first time, it took so much. It took me to overcome my own pride, my fear. It meant taking off the mask I had put on, and letting Jeff truly see me in my ugly state of breakdown.
Why do I call it ‘high-functioning’? One of the ways, that I have been avoiding dealing with admitting what is going on, is by making myself busy. Like I said before, I would schedule in extra things like work, Epicure and other commitments to make my schedules as full as possible. While we were talking through things, it became clear to me, that sometimes I would try and be home the least possible amount of time. Jeff was able to put a reason for that together for me, by asking me if this was because I had so much time here at home recovering. Maybe it was. I don’t really know.
Jeff was and is absolutely amazing. He held me through my hours of crying and was right there with me asking me questions that made me think more about my struggles. To help me address the things I have been bottling up for so long. I thank God for an understanding amazing husband who will stand by me through everything.
I have been unsettled with the mental health part of my cancer journey and now recovery. Looking back at the last few months, God has been peeling back my layers and destroying my walls brick by brick until there was nothing left but brokenness, which I needed. Brokenness to understand how much I really need HIM! Beautiful brokenness that he was able to show himself to me through. Brokenness that let me to be honest, reach out, find help and most importantly see Him!
PS: if you saw me this weekend at our churches annual fest and asked me how I was, my answer was probably “I am doing good.” I hope you aren’t offended. Please know that I wasn’t lying, physically I am doing very well, and emotionally… I am healing. Praise the Lord
