I showed up to church today, completely broken.
I was having a really hard day. Filled with anxiety, mini panic attacks, nausea and dizziness.
Jeff and I had planned to go to an event happening in our neighbourhood this morning. By the time I got up and out of the shower, my brain was running 100 miles and hour.
Questions. Decisions. Possibilities. What if’s. Fears. Worries.
Everything running through my head all at once.
When your head is spinning with the things I just described, what do you do?
For me, I do a few things. Have a panic attack, pray and distract myself with something mindless. Usually in that order. I often tell myself that what I am doing is backwards. Especially to what others might consider a ‘good Christian girl’.
This cycle always leads to even more fear, more brokenness, more panic attacks.
That’s where I was this morning. So, we stayed at home.
When it came time to leave for church this evening, I almost didn’t want to go. Dizziness was through the roof. All I wanted to do was crawl into a ball and shut my eyes. Cry and fully give into the panic.
I managed to get my act together and we made our way to church.
Thank God, that it all worked out that way. I felt so broken walking into the building. I was praying on the drive for God to open my heart to receive what he wanted to show me, but honestly wasn’t expecting to feel a whole lot different afterwards. It just felt like a thing to check of my to do list.
Josh McCabe was there today to lead worship. The Lord showed up big time for me today and he did so by using the music and testimonies shared.
I really felt like the worship time was when God answered my prayer and opened my heart. Quieted my mind. Faced my fears. Just told me ‘I got you! I got the decisions you have to make! I got the future! I won’t leave you!’
At the end of the service, I briefly talked to Josh, who asked if he could pray for me. It was such an encouragement, as he prayed for God to give him the words I needed to hear. ‘Flawlessly made’ were the words he shared with me.
God has made me flawlessly. Even when I don’t feel like it. When I don’t think my body is made flawlessly at all. When the decisions I have to make are around my next steps regarding my cancer journey. He loves me. He thinks of me as flawlessly made.
I left the building with a very different attitude. Feeling strengthened. Revived. Incredibly blessed.
Thank you Lord for caring so much for me, that you always find a way to speak into my troubled heart.
To give you a little bit of insight as to what’s going on with my medical journey, keep on reading.
I had mentioned previously, I believe, about my appointments with my surgeon. Last night, Jeff, my parents and I were talking about everything. I have been asking them to help me make the best decision when it comes to what to do.
When we were at the surgeon, he at first said that he believes I should be medically treated. Which means medication. Medication means being on them for good. Which means the ‘egg timer’ on my life has started.
After explaining to the doc, why I think meds are not the best option for me right now. How my symptoms have been increasing again and how it’s starting to effect my life, he offered me an options for surgery that at first sounded pretty good and probably like the best options.
He explained that he would get a few more surgeons into the operating room. One of whom would be a thoracic surgeon. He would allow for a larger surgery by doing a half sternotomy (an incision about half way down my breasts bone) and then across to the left to allow the surgeons to clear out Tumors under my collarbone.
It would be a huge surgery. It would allow for the most Tumors to be removed. Dr. M also mentioned however that he would only go into that area once. If he were to do that massive of a surgery, there would be some major scar tissue that probably wouldn’t allow for another surgery.
That’s of course something I need to consider when making that decision.
Do I wait to make sure my Tumors get bigger before doing surgery, to makes sure they are big enough to get all of them out? Do I take the risk? Have the surgery now and if there is something new in the next few years, just live with it, or hope and pray I find another surgeon who will operate on me? Do I deal with my symptoms until they get worse? Hope and pray even more that somehow my cancer markers go back down and my symptoms get less?
There is also another option that I kind of only heard through the grapevine. The thoracic surgeon I mentioned earlier apparently also does thorascopic surgeries. That means that he could go in with a small scope to remove Tumors instead of having to do he huge incision. Like I said though that info got to me through other conversations. I am hoping that Dr. M. (Head and neck surgeon) and Dr. L. (Thoracic surgeon) come to the conclusion that maybe they can do the scope surgery.
I don’t need all the cancer to be taken out. I know that won’t happen anyway. I just need the cancer markers to go down far enough, so my symptoms will also decrease.
So you see, many questions are whirling around in my head that need answers.
I am doing a lot of praying. Some natural things like vitamin C to keep things at bay.
If you could pray for wisdom for us to make the right decision. To give wisdom to the doctors to make the right decisions for me.
I know God has the answers and He ‘got me’. But sometimes it is hard to let go and let God, you know?
