Here it is. The post I hoped I never would have to write. The post I begged I never would have to write or talk about. However, I also somewhat tried to prepare myself for mentally. But didn’t even want to really think about ….but yet here we are.
Still reeling from a loss so many understand so intimately. Yet others have absolutely no first hand concept off. No way of knowing how it feels.
I have become 1 in 4.
Although that number seems way too low to me, I have become one out of four women who don’t get to see their beautiful baby’s face, this side of heaven.
Just writing this out, my heart hurts so much. It’s a pain, a grief, a stab, a feeling, I believe only a mother without a child can understand.
Yet, do I even have the right to call myself ‘mother’? In many ways I feel like I do. This little angel, growing inside of me, was and is my beautiful baby. The one that made me mother. For reasons I probably won’t ever understand, it won’t be the one that will make me ‘Mama’. But I will never forget it, my precious little baby, gone way too soon!!
I don’t know why this happened. I have my suspicions, maybe my thyroid levels played a role, maybe my anti depressants had a negative impact, maybe I didn’t take care of my body well enough, maybe I shouldn’t have gotten a Vitamin C treatment. Or maybe it wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do at all. Maybe there was something not quite right with the baby. Or maybe it was just a ‘fluke’.
No one on earth can give me an answer to that question. ‘Why?’
The question that I struggle with the most though is ‘Why me … again?’ ‘Haven’t Jeff and I had enough heartache to last us a lifetime?’
I want to be honest with my readers, as uncomfortable as that may be. I still struggle with the questions named above, yet less frequent than in the first few weeks. However one thing I can say that I am not struggling with anymore is anger towards God.
Prayer was so difficult for me, especially at the beginning. Most of my prayers would just be screams towards heaven of ‘WHY? I begged you so much to not have this happen. WHY? WHY? WHY Is my baby gone?’
Most of the time when I tried to pray, that was all my mind could come up with even when I was focusing so hard to pray for other things, other prayers, I would always land back there.
We shared our loss with our families, closest friends and people in our small groups who all supported us so well. With prayer and check ins, songs, just letting me know I was not alone.
Hearing from others about their miscarriages. About their grief, about their later joys and rainbow babies being born after heartbreaking losses.
Jeff and I were taking an Alpha course this fall semester where I think one of my greatest moments of healing happened.
I don’t even fully remember what week it was, what topic we were talking about. The conversation was something about facing storms and how it’s difficult and sometimes you feel like God is gone and has left you. Someone else in our group was describing how that’s a very hard time to go through.
As I was trying to encourage them, the poem ‘Footprints in the sand’ popped into my head and I just talked about it. Not even realizing that it was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. Especially the reply ‘God’ gives.
“My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
– Margeret Fishback Powers
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”
By the end of the session, my prayer could only be ‘God forgive for forgetting that you you’re probably crying with me, because you love me like a Father does’
That moment, my anger was gone. It doesn’t mean I don’t still ask ‘Why?’, cry or grieve, but I was able to let go of anger that was almost paralyzing.
Over the weeks there have been many things Jeff and I have done together or I have done by myself, to try and cope with this loss. To grieve appropriately and also to slowly let go. Like I said, I will never forget this tiny, precious soul I got to carry for way too short. Letting go needs to happen though to be able to move on. That’s what I’m working on right now, moving on.
One of the most memorable and maybe most permanent ways of healing for me, came and is still coming from a necklace.
I was introduced to Dear Mushka, I think shortly before our miscarriage. Once it happened, I spend quite a bit of time on my phone late at night when I couldn’t sleep. I would browse their website, listen to Katie (the founder) on her Instagram stories and admire the talent God gave her. She combines beautifully crafted jewelry with scriptures from the Bible.
I stumbled upon the necklace called ‘Aid (miscarriage)’ that is paired with the verse from Psalm 147:3
‘He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.’
Psalm 147:3
I wear this beautiful reminder of our little one and Gods promise to be with me and heal me, almost every day. Someone commented on how it looks like a little seed and I absolutely loved that.
As hard as this time has been, God showed up. He led me to people, websites, even jewelry, to help mend my shattered heart.
I am 1 in 4.
One in four who loses her baby. I pray that I will be one who also gets to say ‘Hello my sweet rainbow baby’ 🌈
