I am sitting on another plane. Going to another appointment. Hoping for another round of ‘good news’ or at least not ‘bad news’.
My update from May gave you all a little insight into all the medical things and options that came out of our trip to Germany. The one from July then gave some updates on what was discussed/offered here in Canada.
Today I am traveling back to Toronto. The main reason is to meet with Dr. K. again to receive the results of my tumor testing. If you recall I was explaining that I had asked for this testing in Edmonton and was quoted about $6K out of pocket and therefore decided against it. When I saw Dr. K. in May she offered to put me into a study that would do this type of testing without having to pay for it. The only thing I would have to do on my part is some bloodwork, sign some consent papers and come back to Toronto to get the result and discuss what that would mean for me.
Hence why this trip. Luckily, I will also have some fun times while there. As you may remember, Annika lives close to Toronto, so I get to spent time with her. As well has other friends who live there.
I have to say I really need this trip! I already mentioned to Annika, that I want to be super intentional on this trip. Really do things that will help me rest, relax and recharge.
The last 3 months have been difficult, sad, draining but yet also fulfilling, eye opening and God inspired at work. We have had quite a few sad and tragic patients, some of which have since earned their little wings.
I have been blessed to go through these super though times with some of the families, built relationships, pray for them and with them and even share some of my own struggles.
I totally understand that losing a child is very different than a cancer diagnosis. It’s definitely not something that I would ever even put into the same category. However I believe in some ways, grief is grief. These families are in many ways grieving the life they thought they would have. I had to do the same. Grief a life I had imagined and that was so changed by three little words ‘you have cancer’.
But you know what? I woke up one day and realized ‘my life is beautiful’. Yes, it’s not the life I wanted or would have chosen, but it’s beautiful. It’s fulfilling. It is filled with family, friends and most of all filled by God.
It’s incredible to look at the opportunities and the growth He has given me, that I never would have had with out this diagnosis.
As much as I feel like it was and is an honour to walk through these hard times with families, I also have been more aware recently, that I need to take care of myself, before I can effectively take care of others.
One of the things I really want to focus on this trip. Recharge, so I have more to give when I come back.
Quick update in regards to surgery. Not much to say in that regard actually. 🙂 I am still waiting to hear from the surgeons to see what they say and what the recommendations will be. But I am also not pushing or running after them anymore as I have been over the last 6 months or so.
My biggest reason why I have been pushing so much since January, to have these different scans, meet with all these different doctors, possible have surgery, was initially fuelled by the increase in my cancer markers in my bloodwork.
However sometime around March that shifted to just simply wanting to feel better. I was feeling worse and worse without anything I did seeming to help. My regular visits to my family physician, oncologist, massage therapist and chiropractor were just not giving me the necessary relief to say that I was feeling well.
I was getting more and more tired, with sleep doing zilch for it. I would often wake up even more tired than when I went to bed. (That’s still something I am struggling with (as my co-workers can attest to, as I sleep on just about all of my breaks 😜) but it’s definitely better). I was back to having severe night sweats, anxiety was through the roof even with anti-anxiety medications on board, even my bowel problems and somewhat returned (nowhere near as bad as previously). I just overall felt drained, exhausted and unwell.
Hence why all of this pushing to figure out what was going on and trying to figure out why this was happening/what we could do to fix it. In my head, after my first surgery and after my cancer markers had drastically dropped, I felt like a new person, even while having to go through more treatments. So it only made sense that this could happen again after more surgery.
Since I hadn’t heard from the surgeons in a while I finally agreed to go see a doctor who specializes in hormone balancing. After about 30-40 mls of blood work, I saw him and he prescribed 4 new medications for me, including a new thyroid replacement therapy.
I have now been on all of those for about 5 weeks and the change in me has been only positive. Well mostly 😜. The only negative is that these pills are legit the size of horse pills, which is impossible for me to swallow. So I have had to get creative with how to take them. Luckily they are capsules, I can open them and mix them in with either food or jam or something like that. Unfortunately, water doesn’t work since it doesn’t dissolve at all and just sticks to the glass 🙄
From a overall feeling though I have to say I am feeling better than I have in a long time. Sure I still have my aches and pains and not all of my unwell symptoms are completely gone, but they’re better. I am less moody which has helped mine and Jeff’s relationship to get to another level of openness and communicate better. We tip toe around each other a lot less 😊
All of this has made me think, maybe I don’t need surgery quite as fast as I had thought I would need it. Maybe these meds can balance me out enough to make me feel well enough that surgery can be pushed even a few years. Let the Tumors grow to a size where I know that the doctors will be able to for sure remove them.
You see, God has been good! So good! Prayers have been answered. Prayers that have been prayed for a very long time, prayers that were pretty new, even prayers I don’t think we have verbalized ever, just kept deep inside.
As repetitive As this song may be. It’s very true !!
You are good! You’re good!!
