Anxiety.
No matter who you are, no matter what your life situation is, chances are you have been effected by it in one way or another. Either personally or through a loved one.
Anxiety is felt differently by every person, but every person will tell you it’s not a pleasant feeling.
Personally, I have a variety of emotions and feelings I would all clump under the ‘anxiety umbrella’.
The wave:
The ‘butterflies’ (but not the good kind) in my throat and chest. The most physically unpleasant one for me that often comes with pain in those areas. It’s this feeling that every once in a while washes over me when I am reminded of a situation that is making me anxious.
It doesn’t necessarily last very long until it is followed up by …
The cloud:
It’s just like it sounds. It’s this glooming presence hanging over my head and pushing me down. The incredible sense of dread that is impossible to shake.
It has an effect on everything. My energy level, motivation, happiness, ability to think clearly, study Gods word, often even my prayers.
It’s a sense of helplessness, of not seeing how I’m going to make it through the situation that is giving me anxiety.
I guess in that sense I am very lucky. Almost all of my anxiety is situational and most often resolves when the situation is resolved.
Now why am I sharing this with you?
Because this week I have gone through the cycle of being pushed down by anxiety and being pulled up by God again more times than I can count or care to admit.
This week was my 6 month check up. Including blood work, PET scan and follow up visit with Dr. W., which happened yesterday.
As I have reflected over the last 2 weeks, I have noticed how incredibly busy I have made my life. Packing just one more appointment or meeting into an already jam packed day, sometimes double booking myself. All for the purpose of not having to think.
Not having to think about the looming news I would receive at the end of the week. It’s like this big black hole in my calendar, the day I would like to avoid but know I can’t. But also the day that might lessen some of that anxiety with answers given.
God places amazing people in my life, to make sure that I don’t drown in my own pit of anxiousness.
Beginning with Jeff. Oh how that man can speak truth into my life, by reminding me over and over again that ‘God’s got this. He has a plan’. But also by admitting his own anxiety to me and bringing us to our knees to cry out to the only One who can really pull us out of our pit.
Then there are my family and friends, my small group, my church family, the random lady doing my nails. Everyone of them showering me with prayers and blessings for Gods peace to surround us.
People who check in with me to see how I am holding up, asking when my appointments are and just loving me. Friends who find ways to distract me from the craziness that has become my life with surprise gifts, lovely conversations and doing life along side me.
Without all of these people, but most importantly without God, this week would have been what I would imagine as pure emotional hell.
Satan is the master deceiver and he knows exactly when to whisper another lie into my ear. Hearing my friends pray for healing and having thoughts run through my head: ‘it won’t be healing anyway’ or ‘you’re stuck with this cancer’ which almost sounds like it should be followed by a ‘na na nana na’.
He knows exactly when I am at my weakest and when he should attack. Which is why I am so glad to be surrounded by such a ‘great cloud of witnesses’. Witnesses of the Goodness of God who continue to pour His love and His truths over me. So that really all it takes to make those thoughts dissipate, is to tell Satan to go away.
Looking back it is almost silly to think I was this anxious, but I guess that is what it means to be human.
This follow up visit started 2 weeks ago with some blood work. Which usually means no coffee for 4 days since it could alter the results. Something quite difficult for us nurses, especially when working 12 hours 😜.
After a few complications with the lab that part was soon figured out and on to the next thing it was. On Tuesday I made my way to the Cross Cancer institute again.
Jeff has been mentioning a few times over the last few weeks that I really should go back to do some physio at the CCI. As I was driving up to the hospital, it finally clicked why I haven’t gone back in so long…. it’s the building itself. It just reminds me so much of everything that happened there. Something I will need to work on and deal with as time goes on.
Anywho, back to scan day. Everything was almost the same as always, with the exception of not needing a CT scan this time around. Apparently Dr. W. figured the PET would be sufficient to show what we needed to see.
Although I was a little weary about it, since the CT focuses more on the neck, I was also glad that I didn’t need to get it. Most of the time while they are injecting the contrast dye, it burns the entire length of my arm.
As anyone who has ever had a contrast CT scan can tell you, it’s also not the most pleasant experience. You feel like you may have just peed yourself or that you could start spewing fire. All in all not needed this time, which also made the actual scan time much quicker.
Then the real anxiety started. I was pretty good at keeping it in check until I had the actual scan. Waiting for results, is usually the worst. It’s truly a mental roller coaster.
Finally Friday came around. Somehow I even managed to pack that day completely full! Between doctors appointments and getting ready to go on vacation, I spend a total of maybe 30 minutes at home before heading out, together with Jeff to get the ‘bad news’.
I say ‘bad’ because that what we were preparing ourselves for. I had received my blood work numbers back and they were elevated. My mind definitely went to worst case scenario pretty quickly. Jeff and I had a couple of ‘what if’ conversations again, that to most people would sound very morbid, but every once in a while those seem necessary.
As we were sitting in the waiting area, a family of 4 adults came out of the room after seeing Dr. W. I couldn’t help but over hear the older lady (who I assume is the patients mother) sit down and rejoice ‘Praise God! Praise Jesus!’ They had gotten better news than they had expected and my heart was so happy for them, but also hoping and praying for the same to happen to us.
Guess what? It did!!!
Cancer has not spread or grown in the last year!!
Actually the opposite, two spots that had shown up on my last scan 6 months ago, are now GONE!! Dr. W. believes I must have had a little bit of an infection when we did the last scan which would explain those.
All I can say though is: Praise God, Praise Jesus!
It’s seriously a miracle! The doctors are thinking I probably have had this cancer for about 10 years before I was diagnosed (very vague estimate), based on what o have researched and seen on my MTC Facebook page, at this stage of the disease, most patients have metastasis to almost everywhere. Particularly to the liver and bones. None of that is happening to me.
Even the affected lymph node that I do have, has decreased in activity, minimally but still. It’s unheard of.
When Dr. W. saw us this time he asked me what I was doing. He was like: ‘Are you doing medical marijuana?’ I laughed and explained to him about my Vitamin C treatments which I am still doing once a month. Of course there are also the countless prayers!
God is working in me. Even if he doesn’t completely heal me, he’s already done so much for me.
Again, thank you to all of you for supporting both Jeff and I through this journey. For the financial support that made it possible for me to do the Vitamin C treatments.
Most of all thank you for the prayers and well wishes.
This June 7th will mark one year post op after my last surgery and there doesn’t seem to be any surgery necessary for the foreseeable future (for the first time in 2 years).
This week we will be celebrating all of that in Mexico with my whole family. Letting the stress of the last few weeks disappear and tanking up some much needed Vitamin D after a very long winter.
God is truly great!
The cutest little travel buddy
