Seven years ago today, May 31, 2016, my phone rang unexpectedly in the morning whilst getting ready for the day.
That phone call changed my life for ever. It really didn’t tell me anything besides the fact I was missing an appointment, however the moment I hung up the phone, I knew. I knew the test results I was waiting on had some back and it wasn’t good. I knew the life I lived up to this day was over. I knew I was going to be given a cancer diagnosis!
Up until today this day felt like a celebration. It felt like an ‘in your face cancer’ kind of day. A ‘I’m still here and you didn’t win’. Today it feels different. Today it feels like cancer won in so many ways. It took away so much. Sure, I’m still here and I’m grateful for that, but today I can’t celebrate. Today I grief.
Maybe it’s because the circumstances of today are so similar to what they were 7 years ago. My grandpa is leaving to go back home to Germany, exactly like he was 7 years ago. We had breakfast at my moms place, exactly how we were supposed to 7 years ago. I am feeling defeated and uncertain of the future, exactly how I felt 7 years ago. The tears are coming easily and without warning, exactly like they did 7 years ago.
Cancer took so much. It has changed me in so many ways. Most of the time I am able to look towards the positives, the things I’ve learned. I am able to count my blessings and be grateful.
Today I just feel robbed.
Having a chronic cancer feels like a two edged sword. It’s not just the fact that one has cancer and has had to endure treatments that are sometimes nothing short of inhumane. But it’s also the constant reminder that it’s not over. That it will never be over.
Medullary thyroid cancer is a cruel disease. I will never be able to get rid of it completely. Barring a miracle, never in my life will I hear the words ‘You are cancer free’. Never will I be able to point to my scars and say that’s when I HAD cancer.
When meeting new people and the conversation inevitably leads to my cancer, I will always have to explain that it’s a ‘forever cancer’. That no I am not in remission. There will always be that awkward moment where the person who hears it for the first time doesn’t know what to say. Where the look of pity crosses their face even if just for a split second.
Medullary thyroid cancer is a thief. Although I’m able to be grateful for a slow growing cancer that will most likely allow me to live for quite some time still, today I am just sitting in the grief that I even have to think that way.
Today, Medullary thyroid cancer simply sucks!
