So what now?
I remember sitting in the doctors office after hearing ‘You have Medullary Thyroid Cancer‘, looking across the room to Jeff and mouthing to him, this was one of the worst cancers I could have. When the tears started rolling down my face, Dr. S. rearranged his examination room, so that Jeff and I could sit beside each other. We held hands and took as much comfort in each other as we could.
When I look back now, I couldn’t tell you what I had imagined. How I imagined someone should react when they find out they have cancer. Maybe I thought people would be angry, wailing, yelling, be in shock? I couldn’t tell you, since I wasn’t feeling much different. I was still Christine, 25 years old, Jeffs wife, a nurse. In a sense I didn’t feel different.
It was just 3 words right? “You have cancer”.
It changed everything
It changed everything for me and yet it changed nothing. From a symptom perspective nothing had changed. I still had my spasms, still had my gut issues, still had my swallowing issues, nothing different. All it was, now I had a diagnosis. Now I knew what was going on in my body. Yet on the other hand crippling uncertainty of what lay ahead of us was creeping in.
The plans I had for my life, would they all have to change now? Am I going to be able to go to the wedding we are invited to at the beginning of July? Would I be going to be able to go to Disneyworld in November? Am I ever going to have children? Is it possible to survive this? There was no yelling or anger for me, there were just silent tears and a strong grip on Jeff’s hand.
We intently listened to the doctor as he explained the next steps for me. I didn’t feel like someone who has Medullary Thyroid Cancer. But then again, what does someone with cancer feel like? Cancer in the stages that I see them at at work, is very nasty. Many of the patients that have to come to ICU because of their cancer, are very, very sick, or unfortunately on their last stretch. That wasn’t me. I was still the same, yet different. Wasn’t I?
It this all just a dream?
I don’t know if it even hit yet. Even now I have to remind myself that yes, it wasn’t just a dream. This really is happening. When people find out about my diagnosis, encourage me, tell me that they’re praying for me, one of the questions always is “How are you doing?” I started to think about the answer before leaving the house. I knew the question would be ask.
If someone didn’t know about my diagnosis, the answer would be the polite “I’m good. How are you?”. Others who had heard about it would ask, but most often my answer was still: “I am good.” In reality it is the truth. I am doing well. I have good days and bad days, just as before. Overall, I am doing well. That is from a physical perspective. What should my answer be when the emotional aspect of the question was to be answered? Again most days I would have to say, I am good.
I had the discussion with some of my friends: “How do you know you are feeling prayers?” The only answer I can give is that I can feel them in the way God lets me stay calm. I am not driven crazy by worry about what is going to be next. I am able to go on with my life, almost the same as before. Time with friends and family isn’t covered in this dark shadow of cancer over the whole mood. I am able to forget sometimes what is going on in the first place. Trusting and relying in God that He has got this, has become my comfort. He knows what is going to happen and he will know how to equip me to handle every situation that may come my way.
Next steps
Next stepsLets return to the doctors office when we were finding out what was next. Before Dr. S. had even come into the room he had already booked me in for surgery. My first surgery date was scheduled for, June 15, 2016. He did a physical assessment when he entered the room. He was taken aback by how painful it was for me when he touched my neck.
After he sat down and gave me my diagnoses, Medullary Thyroid Cancer, he drew me a picture of what would have to be removed. He told me, my entire thyroid would be taken out; together with most of the central lymph nodes. He explained that since most of my symptoms were on the right side he would probably have to make an incision up to my ear on the right side. This would be so he could get to all the affected lymph nodes on that side. I was just sitting there listening as he listed the potential side effects. He talked about the probability of these side effects happening. I have to say he was very thorough and answered any little question I was throwing in as he explained.
My mind was just racing with a hundred different questions. I tried to remember them all without interrupting his explanations too much. He was very good about describing how the recovery would look. I had done some research about which doctors I would have to see once the surgery was done. So some of my questions revolved around if I had to see an endocrinologist and an oncologist. I was told that I would be referred to the Cross Cancer Institute in our city about 2 weeks post surgery. There they would do the bulk of the testing and have me see the right doctors.
Such a whirlwind
Dr. S. set up a CT scan for me for the following week to take a closer look. It was to assess how the masses were growing and what they were attached to. He sent me for more blood tests and a urine test. As he explained my condition he mentioned that in some cases Medullary Thyroid Cancer can be a hereditary genetic mutation. If, for whatever reason, I should be one of those rare cases, there was a chance that my adrenal glands on top of my kidneys would also be affected. The cancer could have already spread there. Obviously this was another shock. Not only did I have cancer but the possibility of it having spread was quite high.
By the time we left the office my head was spinning. I now had to call my family and tell them about a diagnosis that I hadn’t really come to grips yet myself. As we were walking out of the office Jeff was holding my hand and being my rock as the tears continued to stream. He encouraged me so much. He kept saying that we would beat this together. No matter what. We would get through this.
I have to say I probably tested my amazing husband a lot even before we were given the diagnosis. Sometimes on my bad days I would ask him if he regretted marrying me, given everything I have put him through already with my health. He always gave the same answer: “No of course not. I married you for better or for worse, in sickness and in health and I will stand by you no matter what happens”. I can just say I love him so much and I often wonder how God let me deserve and amazing man like Jeff.
How do you tell your family?
Jeff had made plans to drop off a resume at a company that day. It was close to where we were. When we got into the car and he made his way there he asked me if I would mind calling my mom while he was dropping it off. We drove somewhat in silence. Both of us in our thoughts. Me on my phone doing some more research on Medullary Thyroid Cancer as I had skipped over it in all my other research. When we got to the company Jeff was applying to I called my mom…
When I told her I had cancer she just started crying and saying: “No, no” over and over again. I explained what the doctor had said and what the plan was for the next little while. That’s how most of my family reacted. That day was Jeff’s moms birthday. When we called her we first sang “Happy birthday” and then Jeff was going to tell them.
I think that’s when it hit him the hardest. He couldn’t even speak. I took over and told them as calmly as I could. I felt so bad having to tell her on her birthday but I wanted them to find out from us and not others. With some people I told, I cried with some I felt really strong and could tell them without losing my composure. For some I could answer some of the questions they had, but so many other times I had to say: “I don’t know yet”. “We still have to wait and do more testing”. It was a diagnosis and yet there was sooo much Unknown in this whole situation still.
Processing
Jeff and I had made plans for the day before we had gotten the phone call and decided that we would just continue with this plans and went to the mall and did some retail therapy. I actually picked up a big hat right away. Previously I had read that if you want a nice-ish scar, to try and keep it out of direct sun light. I was actually talking to Jeff the other day and he mentioned that one of the good things coming out of me having the surgery, is that I am trying different clothing styles and venturing out of my comfort zone. He can find the silver lining in everything and always makes sure to point it out to me.
Jeff’s parents called us that some of the pastors from our sister churches were in town that day and mentioned that it would be possible for me to go and ask them to pray over me.
From the Mall we went to my family doctors appointment, the appointment where we should have found out. When she walked into the room she first apologized that the office had missed to let me know about the meeting with the surgeon. She then asked if I had any questions, since I already knew the results. I think the only question I could really think of at that time was if my sisters had to get tested now. Since there was this possibility of a hereditary component to my cancer. She assured me that as of right now I was being treated as a sporadic case, meaning that it was not genetic. However she promised she would make a referral for me to see a geneticist.
Prayers are the most important
When we left her office, we made our way to church and met with 6 of our pastors. I had never thought about anointment but had heard so many stories about people and family members who had gone to the pastors. They had them pray over them and have been healed from various ailments. So we decided that I wanted to do this as well. When we got there, I had shared my diagnosis and the next steps, one of the pastor read the passage from James 5:14-15:
“Is anyone among you sick? Then he must call for the elders of the church and they are to pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins, they will be forgiven him.”.
Then everyone prayed over me. I felt such a peace wash over me. I knew God was going to hold me in his hand and would walk through this with me.
Change in plans
A couple days later I got a phone call from my surgeons secretary. My surgery day was moved to June 20, 2016. Dr. S. wanted to bring in another endocrine surgery specialist to be in the OR. In our city there are only 3 surgeons who do most of the thyroid surgeries and I am going to have 2 of them in my operating room. I know God is leading everything to be best case scenarios.
Over 2 weeks have now passed since we found about my cancer diagnosis. It has definitely been a whirlwind of a time. It came with many tests, many appointment, many tears, more questions and some answers. so much love, support and prayer from all the people around me.
I went for a contrast CT scan to allow the doctors to have a better understanding as to where exactly my little knots were sitting and how much involvement there was into my lymph nodes and such. When I got back to my doctors office just over a week later, he told me that the surgery was going to be more invasive than we originally had thought.
Surgery Planning
My incision would now have to be basically from ear to ear. This would be so the docs can have full access to most of my lymph nodes since many of them seem to be affected as of right now. The one that tends to worry me the most, is one that is close to my trachea (my windpipe). Even if the chances of complications are minor, doctors still have to talk about them in case something goes wrong. This way you aren’t surprised when you wake up from surgery.
We started talking about what would happen if that little one can’t be removed easily. We talked about having to cut out a piece of my trachea as well as what would happen if they would have to cut out too much. In that case I would end up with a Tracheostomy. With all of that news and the list of questions I was asking Dr. S. again I was close to tears again. When I asked him about staging my cancer it was confirmed by him that I indeed had at least stage 3 medullary thyroid cancer.
Admitting the difficult
I think having a medical professional confirm what you already know makes it much more real and undeniable. A few hard swallows later I continued with my questions. I left his office and sat in the car with my mom. First called Jeff and then my Dad to give an update. My mom looked at me the entire time and just asked the question after: “What are you thinking? What are you afraid of?”
That was the first time I allowed myself to really admit that I am scared of dying. I know I don’t have all the answers yet. I know there are many things that medicine can do these days. But I am still scared of dying, not of dying per se, but scared to miss out on so much this life still has to offer. I am scared of having to say goodbye to Jeff, to my family, to my friends. Scared that one day I might move on (cancer free) and decide to have a family and the cancer coming back. I am scared of leaving a little baby without its mother. Simply said, I am scared.
We sat in the car and just cried together. I sometimes have a hard time admitting these feelings to my closest family members. I am always worried to put even more pressure on them more than I already am with my disease. They have all been so amazing with me, so strong and such rocks for me to lean on. I want to do the same for them as well. I would like to be there for them and help them deal with this. However I also understand that I might be the last person they want to talk to about how this whole situation makes them feel.
Surgery is approaching
